After Granny's service I had Aunt Juanita, all of my siblings and their children in my house on June 14th. I didn’t take one picture. I had all of my children and their children in my house on the 15th. I took a few pictures of Meg and her newest niece. I don’t think I have ever felt like not taking photos. It was good to see my children and my grandchildren though. It gives me hope and a future.
I took George with me to pick up Granny’s belongings from Bluegrass Care and Rehab last night. The room was empty, her belongings packed and stored in the closet. I do not ever want to go back there again. I pray I never get dispatched there. I feel for the very few employed there that have a heart. I feel for the elderly that depend on this staff.
Walking to the creek and back feels like I’m trudging through mud.
I took Aunt Juanita some corn salad this afternoon. I had made it for my family the day before. I was so worried she might not like it…that she might be napping when I got there…that she might just be wanting her space. But when George and I got there she was standing at the kitchen sink and turned toward the door as she saw me walking up and said, “Why, there you are!” And again, I smile and this time when I do I don’t feel guilty like I have been when I smile. I give her the potato salad, ham and my corn salad. I take her trash out. She chats with George while she warms up a cup of coffee in the microwave…at 160 secs…”cause she likes it hot.” She wants to try the salad and does. And becomes so enthralled with it, she eats and eats and forgets about the milk and crackers she was getting ready to have when we drove up. She looked at me as she was enjoying every bite and said, “You make this again, you bring me some more.” She talked with us about when Granny lived with her before going to the nursing home. How she cooked good for Granny. How Granny liked to snack. And she was happy as she told us all about Granny’s appetite all the while devouring the corn salad.
I go through the day thinking I have to hurry up what I’m doing so I can go check on Granny.
It’s difficult to look at the photos I took of Granny in her last days.
I long to have captured moments like the one after the service when Aunt Juanita asked Emily to come to her and then lovingly explained that Granny went to heaven to be with Jesus and is no longer in pain.
I don’t have Granny’s laundry to keep up anymore.
I placed her two quilts on both couches and her butterfly throw on the chair…and my living room looks like a cozy Granny room.
I’ve gotten caught up in thinking about Granny’s age. 90 years old…that’s another lifetime for me. I just turned 48…
I have memories to make with my grandchildren…and hopefully, I can inspire them as I have come to be inspired by Granny.
Grieving doesn’t get easier. You perhaps just get used to it being a part of your day.