Sunday, July 7, 2013

Three Years Have Past...

Today...on this the anniversary of Moma's new birthday, I thought of how she wasn't supposed to have with the rematic fever she so suffered from when she was a child taxed her heart in such a way the doctor advised her not to have children. I thought about if she hadn't been such of a fragile body, hadn't had four children whether she would have lived longer. How different things would be, huh?
I thought about how I must celebrate the life/lives she left behind. I made sure I noticed things throughout the day...the butterflies that danced along the fence line at the dog park as Daisy and Autie enjoyed their doggie adventure...I made certain I held the hand of the man she thought so highly of...I called her Aunt that was like a second mother to her...and I ate ice cream as that was the last thing she ate before she left us.
And at the end of the day, as I am alone, I cannot help but cry...but as I do I can hear the the birds singing...and notice the apples on the tree that have never been so present and recognize the life they represent...and when they are ready for consumption...I will make a pie...and give it away "baking and sharing" was also something Moma wanted to do in her last days.
So, her giving will go on...not just in our hearts.

First I've seen these apples on the 100 Acre Wood

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

“For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), It’s always our self we find in the sea.” – e.e. Cummings

I’m not a science fiction kinda person. But I remember somewhere in a television show or a movie there was a person who appeared in a hologram kinda thingy. I always think it would be cool if God appeared to us like that. Cause I have so much swimming around in my head. That’s how it is when I’m “tripping.” Tripping on Marco Island this week…and even though George and I have brought a teen and a five year old along, I still have too much time to think. Probably more than usual. At home I can stay so busy I can’t make stops at the shelves in my mind where things are stored. But when I’m tripping…and it’s raining…and exhaustion makes me slow down I tend to pull the dusty boxes off the shelves and rifle through them enough just to stir up the cobwebs and create chaos.

George needs his sleep for his adventure coming up so I crawled out of bed as not to disturb him. It’s too early for the seasoned sleeper to arise especially while on vacation. So, I got the coffee brewing and decided to get some of these thoughts on paper. While watching it rain…from the fifth floor of the condo overlooking the vastness of sea. I want to settle some things before the younguns drag out of bed, before George texts me and requests his coffee. I set up on the balcony with everything I think I will need to complete this task, returning to the kitchen for the coffee.

What I found when I returned was a sight that made me squeal with  delight…and I ran back inside and got my camera. Stretched across the ocean in bright array was a double rainbow. You could see it from one side of the balcony to the other. Like it was framed just for my viewing. The full rainbow was sitting like a hologram on the waves. I had never seen any rainbow like it. Its colors were brilliant. The bow had precise definition. The movement of the waves under the end of the rainbow gave such holographic imagery. I had that wondermous feeling…I was where I am supposed to be.

To some readers you may think, “You are on a beachside vacation, of course you are where you are supposed to be.”  It’s not that easily decided in my complicated mind. I have to have holographic images, voices from heaven and signs to show me the way. There has been great guilt lingering in my mind as my granny passed only three weeks ago to this day.

And here I am. On the beach. Creating memories with George and two of my grandchildren. It seems terribly wrong in my head. Like her passing wasn’t honored. Like I went on with my life and losing her was trivial. And to leave Aunt Juanita at home alone after her sister had passed…and then her 19 year old cat…seemed insensitive and uncaring.

But seeing the rainbow in its holographic state…sends a wave of confusion to my way of thinking. What if…the All Knowing, seeing that Granny would pass on June 11th, after three long months of what seems like torture in my thinking, in which I would try with all my power to prevent these torturous days…what if All Knowing wanted to allow me a regrouping time after He took her from the pain and torture? What if He wanted me where I am right at this moment…

In early October of 2012, after picking Emily up from her mother we headed to the 100 Acre Wood. We talked about so many things as we always do and then it got quiet. As any experienced parent/grandparent does when it’s quiet you always make sure all is okay. I turned to look at her in the back seat. She was deep in thought. So, I asked…”Whatcha thinking about girl?” Her response was one I’ve told many times as it made an impression in my mind, as if I took video of the conversation. Her sweet little voice, her matter of fact manner, her simple desire exposed to her Mimi. "You know Mimi; I have never been to the beach. I haven't kicked and screamed. I haven’t cried and threw fits. I've just been very patient." Yes, in her little Shirley Temple voice, with her “r” and “v” sounding like “w” and “b” I thought my heart would melt. I told her right then I would see what I could do about that. To make sure before she’s six that she would see the ocean.

On October 27th, a friend posted at 11:27 “Hey There Friends -We have a FL timeshare ON the beach that we cannot use 6/13.I am contacting a few friends to see who may be interested. It will be first come, first serve. It is June 28, 2013 - July 5, 2013.” At 11:44 I responded, “I’ll take it.” I remember it well, as George was with me and he thought I was nuts for only thinking about it in such a short time. Just remembering that moment makes me smile.

Going back to 2000, the year after Silas was born, I had him with me at one of Scarlet’s family get togethers. One of my not so pleasant memories.  Granny and Aunt Juanita was there. His smiling little face so precious to me. He loved me so and I him. I introduced him as my grandson to Granny. She immediately said, “He is not your grandson. When Craig has children then you will have a grandchild.”  Ah, I thought, tell Silas I am not his Mimi…I may not be his Mimi by blood, but I am his Mimi by heart…and that is a stronger love than any can offer.

And here I am…fulfilling a grandchild’s dream, Craig’s daughter to be exact, making memories with her and my oldest grandchild, Silas…while wrapped up in thought of my Grandmother. I tried to have all the grandkiddos travel with me…but these two, Silas and Emily were the only ones that could.  In October 2012, Granny was living with Aunt Juanita. I had no indication of what was to come. She went into the nursing home on March 13th 2013 National Butterfly Day…As the time came near for this vacation week, Melanie who was supposed to meet me here in Florida, decided she could stay at my house and care for Granny instead while I was out of town. But Granny was called home before then. Melanie’s vacation days used for funeral leave instead.

So  here I am…missing my granny…enjoying my role as a granny…in Florida, where Granny loved to travel, on Marco Island where there are butterfly gardens…where God speaks to me through a holographic rainbow.

Where the sun is shining on the clutter in my head...

The Holographic Rainbow
My grandson, Silas and grandaughter, Emily
searching for treasure...