The field at the edge of my yard needs mowing. It stands a good four feet or more. Daisy walks the edge of it with her head held high sniffing for the right place to go in and then enters slowly, disappearing into the world of green as if she sees an imaginary trail. This perplexes Autie, who sits beside me watching the golden child vanish into the unknown. Then she bolts with no restraint into the field…back out in seconds, her face reading, “Oh, My Gosh, you can’t see a thing in there!” She does that repeatedly never finding Daisy who casually exits eventually, from the field of dreams, as if she were walking into the other life.
The desire to record observations like this either by photo or written word is overwhelming these days. I wish I had recorded / documented events better as my children were growing up. But there was so much that photos and words couldn’t have captured then either…but, oh, the vivid, in color scenes I have in my mind. I pray I never forget.
Like the summer of 1984 when George picked me up in his black work van, from Turfland Mall, where I had completed my shift at Cooper’s Fixery. We were in the first week of seeing each other and it was his weekend to have to the girls. Megan had “the eye” on me. At eight years old she was already making certain I was not a threat to her little unit. Remembering the question of trust in her eyes and face makes my years of knowing her so sweet, as now at thirty five, she reminds me she loves and appreciates me. Years of trust built upon that shaky foundation. Nothing that a camera can capture or words can say to allow the film strip of life that began that day to accurately unfold so as to share with you the journey, with which, I have been blessed. We needed each other and were so unaware at the time.
I hope when I’m ninety my mind is sharp. I hope my focus is clear on what has made me who I am. For being a mother has shaped me into who I am today. The joys of raising six children can mold you; create in you the importance of life. It gives you knowledge if you pay attention to the “teachers.” I think I am a unique combination of all six. You might scoff and that's fine but I see each one of them in my everyday thoughts and ways.
Craig’s reckless abandon to activity as a child was overwhelming at times. He had energy that surpassed the “natural average.” He had a love to explore and go. His heart for the misguided and misunderstood was apparent at an early age and yes, was tapered by his mischievousness. He always wanted a “sickle, sickle.” Finally at twenty eight he now has a motorcycle and is on yet another adventure.
Megan, although self sufficient, knew what she wanted. She has taught me to better myself and look far beyond my limits, to question but answer true to myself.
I’ll reiterate there is no way I could play back everything to share with you all I’ve enjoyed, learned and experienced. It’s like this field in front of me, that Daisy now sits from a distance in survey of. So rich in treasure, the hidden birds she knows she can flush out, the many butterflies skimming the surface like fluttering thoughts of the times, the beauty on the faces of the wild flowers…my life as a moma------a field of dreams.
Did they ever aspire me to be the best moma I could be? Ariel’s thirst for knowledge, for education, for vocabulary…her passion for reading all created in me the drive to do more, teach more, answer more questions. Her dream of being a mommy inspired me to be a mother she would want to emulate.
Anna hasn’t always played the piano. She decided in college to take it up and she attached herself to her desire and ran. The music she writes, the melodies she sings are fruits of never giving up. Although all of my children loved animals, to see Anna pet the cats made me want to receive the love she gently stroked onto those furry creatures. Unlike Ariel, as a child, with attentions to cats being some strange love attack. Anna’s hands on the cats as a child were as gentle as her hands are now on the piano keys.
I caught a bit of rebellion from my Rosie. Don’t’ take that in a factitious way. She did go against much growing up. I remember requiring her to at least sit “outside” as she read to get fresh air. She rebelled against kindergarten and she rebelled against bedtime. She was a sweet golden curly blond that would “tiger up” in without a moment’s notice. Sometimes she wasn’t even aware of what she was rebelling against. As a teen, there for a while, you never knew what color her hair would be the next time you saw her. I’m certain her spirit of going against if you don’t agree probably influenced her stepping out to home school her children. Blessings come in interesting packages…when I’m on the street and other officers insinuate I’m too nice….I think of Rosie, how sweet and precious but had the ability to “tiger up” on seconds notice.
William shares my nonsense, although his can be deeper than mine. He’s allowed me to learn that value is not who people say you are. It’s who you are that makes the real statement. He, like Ariel, had a thirst for knowledge and nonsense. Through horrible circumstances he developed the ability to allude the moment. All his life he brought me lessons in tenacity. I seriously should be certified.
Daisy is staring off into the field again. Maybe she’s the one who taught me to reflect today. Reflect on how I am the mother I am because of the children who allowed me to grow along with them.
These were the best days of my life.