Totally off the wall here, definitely not with the season, but I’m struggling with my thinking. Maybe, it’s missing the regular event that Moma would bake Christmas cookies and come to the house, with Merry Christmas wishes, and Moma isn’t here. Maybe, it’s the anticipation of my fifth grandchild, who like most children is taking her sweet time. Maybe, it’s Craig’s and Becky’s separation and my dread for the stress it will put on him and Emily. Maybe, it’s William being sworn into the Marines on Wednesday. Maybe, it’s starting school again and knowing that I am obtaining this Bachelor’s degree to insure a possible advancement down the road. Maybe, it’s because I took off two weeks and I feel like a slacker. Maybe, it’s just “tis the season.” Whatever the case, I’m struggling with my thinking.
I shoveled some snow, driveways/sidewalks …I went in and visited with Granny after shoveling for her. She (age 87) sadly looked out the window and said, “It’s hard watching, remembering I used to do that myself and enjoyed it.” Then I went to Aunt Juanita’s and after I finished, she met me at the shed in her back yard with salt she wanted me to put down. When I came back to gather her and help make sure the shed was secure, she (age 89) looked up at me and grinned. “We could have been a team if I were younger, shoveling driveways, cleaning up the snow. “ Yes, I’m certain we could have been.”
And I am hit with how life is really hard on us. You spend all of your years learning to do things, mastering, achieving, only to become unable to do what you learned and enjoyed to do. There are struggles within us, that once conquered become yet a different struggle. At a time when I am anticipating life, and wanting this to speed up…I find myself wanting things to slow down, too.
If I were to leave the world today…know that I love deeply…I wanted to give beyond what I was able to give….I longed for everyone to be happy and content in their lives…and if the good Lord allows me to grow older and older…know that I’m scared…and I’m not liking this.