I struggle with PTSD. There I said it. Don’t ask me what the
traumatic incidents are cause I may never be ready to share. What I want to
share is a “spring” thought.
With PTSD I experience periods of depression. Again,
stay out of my business.
I also know I am not the only one. So, when I find pieces of
hope or tools to cope I tend to want to share. Cause I’m heart is big and my
love is so strong.
Today is the first day of spring. And after days of feeling impending
doom, I woke with Daisy’s sweet smile…and noticed it to the point of basking in
it. My granddaughter sent a good morning video and told me she loves her Mimi. I saw a note of inspiration posted by someone who is hurting real bad.
I stood an egg on balance as I had done with my children spring after spring
after spring. Brought back precious memories and I found myself smiling. I
observed the mess around me that piled up in these dark times…and it didn’t
seem so big.
Daisy coaxed me outside… I had that feeling of ugh..she
makes me move when I don’t want to…I grabbed some poo bags so I could pick up
the past two days of presents Daisy had laid around and be productive. I urged
Pika’s fourteen year old tail outside with us (if I have to go, you do too). And
chucked the ball…
I picked up the presents, chucked the ball, noticed the
workers driving in and noticed my attire (wearing my pjs, my housecoat, and my
orange rain boots as there are no fashion requirements on the 100 Acre Wood), continued to pick up poo and chuck the ball… watched Daisy ecstatic
and Pika inspired, clearly aware of my smile.
And I felt guilty.
Guilty that I felt happy at that moment.
As if I had some loyalty to my depression.
I looked at Daisy’s face as I picked up poo, her smiling and
panting, begging for me to chuck the ball again, I’m picking up poo.
And that’s exactly what I needed to recognize. You get
dressed. You smile. You deal with sh**, you keep moving. It’s okay to be happy.
It’s okay to be sad. Maybe I need to accept life as it is, “chuck it, deal with
poo, smile, chuck it, clean up poo, smile….”
Maybe that is my inner peace. To accept life on these terms.
Instead of wishing I could fix, change, redo. Keep moving and cheat on my
depression when I can. It’s so entangling. So takes over every facet of the
day. Why not cheat on it when I can!?
Today. At this moment. My heart is not beating erratically. My
mind is not making circles around itself. I don’t feel like I’m trying to run
in mud. And the elephant has shifted a bit off of my chest. Tomorrow may be
different.
But today, it’s okay
to feel in tune with spring.
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| Pika encouraging spring stretching |
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| Making another happy is inspiring |
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| Chuck it, deal with poo, smile, just keep moving |
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| Daisy...she loves me.. |
